Values First: The Secret to a Fulfilling Life
Introduction
I often meet individuals who share a common struggle: a lack of fulfillment in their lives. They report feeling productive, ticking off goal after goal, and yet, they remark on a persistent sense that something is missing. Often, they believe that the answer lies in finding the right goal—the one that will make all other aspects of their lives fall perfectly into place.
Accomplishing goals can feel great; there’s no denying that. But as I’ve reflected on my own experiences and those others have shared with me, I’ve learned that goals alone aren’t enough to create the deep, lasting satisfaction we all long for. Only when we step back and look at the bigger picture—our core values—can we begin to see what truly matters. Goals are helpful, but the idea that achieving them will automatically bring fulfillment is one worth rethinking. In this article, I’ll explore why identifying and living by your values holds the key to a meaningful, purpose-filled life.
Distinguishing Goals from Values
Goals are often straightforward to come up with: land a promotion, run a marathon, or buy your dream home. They’re specific and measurable, which makes them useful for guiding action. But goals can also feel transactional—focused on outcomes rather than the journey. Values, on the other hand, are deeply personal. They’re the principles that shape how we want to live and interact with the world. They give our lives direction and meaning, even when the road ahead is uncertain. Whether we value connection, creativity, or personal growth, our values serve as the foundation for how we navigate relationships, make decisions, and handle life’s inevitable challenges.
Understanding the distinction between values and goals is crucial. Values help us define what truly matters, while goals provide a structure to pursue those things. Goals are tasks to complete, but they won’t tell us much about ourselves. And they certainly don’t answer the bigger question of why we’re pursuing them in the first place. Our values, however, can tell us much about ourselves, and once we gain clarity on what we care about most, we can set goals that support the life we want to live.
When Goals Fall Short
When we don’t take the time to reflect on our values, it’s easy to find ourselves out of sync with what’s truly important. This disconnect can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction, even after achieving significant milestones. It’s not uncommon for people to feel disillusioned after accomplishing something substantial, like earning a degree or landing a dream job. This phenomenon, sometimes called the arrival fallacy, stems from the mistaken belief that reaching a specific goal will bring lasting happiness. Studies have shown that this belief often leads to disappointment, as the anticipated sense of joy fades soon after the achievement (Lyubomirsky, 2007). Values-based living helps mitigate the arrival fallacy because values are not something you can check off a list or "arrive" at. They are a way of being, a continuous process of living in alignment with what matters most, rather than pursuing a finite endpoint.
A Metaphor for Values-Based Living
In his book Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life, Steven Hayes uses a skiing metaphor to explain values-based living. Imagine you are skiing and, as you’re about to hop on the ski lift, you turn to the other skier and tell them that, upon reaching the top of the lift, you plan to ski down to the lodge to meet friends. Upon reaching the mountaintop, that skier beside you suddenly signals a helicopter, which scoops you up and swiftly deposits you at the lodge, thus helping you achieve your goal. You protest to the pilot, but he’s bewildered because not only did he help you reach your goal faster, but you avoided all the hard work of skiing. And if reaching your goal were the point, the pilot would be right. However, the lodge was not the point; the skiing was, and, unfortunately, despite accomplishing your goal, you missed out on the actual experience of skiing. This metaphor wonderfully illustrates how goals can provide direction, but it’s the experience of living in satisfying ways that bring real fulfillment.
Practical Steps Toward Values-Based Living
To connect with your values, start by reflecting on what truly matters to you. This might involve journaling, quiet contemplation, or intentionally setting aside distractions like social media or work notifications to sit with your thoughts. Be honest with yourself and resist the temptation to focus on what you think your values should be. Ask yourself: What gives my life meaning? What do I want to prioritize in the areas of family, spirituality, career, or creativity, for example?
Next, take a look at how your current actions align with your values. Are there inconsistencies between what you care about and how you spend your time? For example, if you value health but neglect your physical well-being, consider how to close that gap. If parenthood is a core value, but work demands leave little time for meaningful moments with your children, consider small ways to prioritize connection amidst your responsibilities. The idea isn’t to overhaul your life overnight but to begin aligning your goals and actions with your values in small, intentional ways.
The Role of Values in Decision-Making
Living by your values isn’t always easy. It can bring up feelings of guilt or anxiety, especially when external pressures and responsibilities pull you in different directions. But values-based living encourages action even in the face of discomfort. It’s about choosing what truly matters, even when it’s challenging. Over time, these choices will lead to a deeper sense of purpose and fulfillment.
The better we can tap into our values, the more confident we will be in navigating roadblocks along the way. Values will serve as our compass, helping us navigate life’s trade-offs. Imagine someone who values family and dreams of upgrading their lifestyle with a bigger house or a new car. While these goals may appear attractive, they could inadvertently create family tension and require longer work hours, ultimately conflicting with their core value of family. By reflecting on their values, they might choose to prioritize quality time with loved ones over certain luxuries, discovering joy in their current circumstances rather than pursuing changes that could distance them from what they hold dear.
Living True to What Matters Most
As you consider the insights shared in this article, I invite you to take a moment to reflect on your own values. What truly matters to you? What principles guide your decisions and shape your experiences? Engaging with these questions can illuminate the path toward a more fulfilling life.
Start small: set aside time to journal your thoughts, meditate on your beliefs, or even discuss your values with a trusted friend or partner. Each step you take toward understanding and living by your values brings you closer to a life that feels authentic and purpose-filled. Remember, this journey is ongoing, and your values will serve as a compass to guide you along the way.
Assess Your Alignment with Values
To assist you in evaluating how closely your life aligns with your values, I recommend taking the Valued Living Questionnaire. This assessment is designed to guide you in identifying the values that are most important to you and where adjustments might enhance your overall well-being.
After completing the questionnaire, take some time to reflect on the results and consider how you might integrate your identified values into your daily life.
Take the Valued Living Questionnaire Here
Recommended Readings
Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life by Steven C. Hayes
The Happiness Trap (Second Edition): How to Stop Struggling and Start Living by Russ Harris
References
Hayes, S. C. (2005). Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life: The New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. New Harbinger Publications.
Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: Model, processes, and outcomes. Behavior Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1-25.
Lyubomirsky, S. (2007). The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want. Penguin Press.
